So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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