I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
