That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
