I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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