Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
