I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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