just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize