So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
