who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
