How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
