So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
