I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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