im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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