im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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