I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
