just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize