I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
