this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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