The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
