Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
