Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
