Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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