i just had sex bonerless
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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