omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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