mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can you bring me the toilet please
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
