remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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