hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My ass is underappreciated
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize