This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
