i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
