i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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