See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
two words: eviction party
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
