I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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