I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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