Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
