I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
