Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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