I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Someone signed my nipple.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
