I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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