I accidentally had phone sex last night
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
