ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
