I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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