I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
