i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
