Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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