I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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