If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
