Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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