About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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