I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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