Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
