you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
