You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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