No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
