This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
