So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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