I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
