every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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