If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
