Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize