My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
