Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
