Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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