What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
