Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
