Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
